27.1.11

Ahoy-Hoy,

Today’s blog will be a bit more sporadic as I’ve been writing it in bouts of boredom between activities and have realized that not only is my computer set on American spelling but I really do want to remember everything that’s went on here.  It gets a bit muddled when you don’t really have much to do with yourself and your senses are being attacked by a completely new way of life, doing this keeps the voice in my head a bit closer to home and I can see the funny side of all of this like I would have a few years ago.  Hearing the patter of the ex-pats here I can really tell that you just lose all yer banter pretty quickly and no-one really talks about anything they haven’t talked about before and it gets a bit Sweetie Wifey with all the gossiping.  It’s nice to come across something that I know one of my friends would find funny and be able to write about it on this.  It’s also handy so no-one has to ask what we’ve been up to, which is always a pretty hard question ‘awww no much likes’, just taking it easy…or if I was at home, ‘hee haw, just working ken?’. ;-)

So, forgive my rambling…

I was really hoping that when I got here they would be really behind on music and Lisa Loeb or someone like that would be number 1 in the charts but it turns out that they are actually quite up to date.  In the ‘girly bars’ though they only seem to have 2 songs, Lady GaGa – Poker Face and that one about being ‘Fly like a G6’ and ‘drinkin like a blizzard’, whoever that is??  I’ve found myself, after years of not being arsed about picking up a guitar in my free time to really wanting a wee acoustic or something to mess around on, it’s funny what free-time does to you.

It rained here the other day and it was pretty spectacular, it wasn’t like the constant rain we get at home.  It was like proper Gene Hackman rain, what I mean by that is that every film Gene Hackman is in he is usually some kind of general and it’s always really fucking pouring with rain, really pouring.  It came on all of a sudden and only lasted about 5 minutes, Monsooned oot it’s banger likes.

My skin is peeling off my forehead and I feel like Brundle-Fly, no matter how much I moisturize it, it is still determined to peel.  It really feels disgusting.  The rest of the burnt bits are turning to quite a nice wee tan though.  Holly’s sunburn turned nice a day or so ago, wee cow.

We went cruising round the girly bars with Pete the Head last night and it was pretty fun.  I got beat, or beat myself at pool off some Thai lassies.  They are pretty good at pool by the way; I guess hey should be if they hang around bars playing pool all night.  We got a bit more of an insight into how it all works with the girls over here too.  Apparently they ‘choose’ whether or not to go with you (“so it’s not prostitution!”) and the bar that you have picked them up in get 200 Baht for allowing them to dance around the bar then it’s generally about 1000 Baht for a night of their time. This is pretty much the set up.  A guy sitting beside me last night was a bit of a strange one, he had 2 of the girls giving him a massage and bringing him drinks but he refused to talk to them at all, it was all a bit serial killer-ish for my liking.  Maybe that’s just because he was German though.  It’s still a wee bit unnerving to witness but it is just the way of life here I suppose, the girls seem to have a great time!  Holly and I may go halfers on a sexy wan!  One of the guys got a wee bit merry and the wheels pretty much fell off and he let rip about his experiences with the ole’ Lady Boys.  He assured us that if you made sure they kept the pants on and you focused on the top half you would have a whale of a time.  That wasn’t his favourite thing though, his modus operandi seemed to be to pump old women!!  Apparently they are cheaper, have better banter and will ride you like the wind.  Maybe he’s got a point.  Big shout out to Linda Thompson and Karen the Goth! Kiddin’ oan.  ;-)

I went on a cider hunt yesterday and I was successful!! I found Magners, Gaymers and one I’ve never heard of called ‘Tropical nuclear Cider’ which was cheaper than the other two and of course, a bit stronger, a wee bit too sweet though.  Still no sign of the elusive specter that is Strongbow, I’ll keep you informed.  I am probably willing to pay a tenner for a can, god I am missing it!  The beer is going down a lot easier but my tummy isn’t too used to it.  Fruit shakes are the absolute business over here so I’m defo getting my 5 a day.

We figured out a budget to live on each day of 1000 Baht each.  It’s pretty depressing but it’s the only way we’re gonna be able to keep on going.  I found a good shop the other day which sold me 4 beers, a bottle of San Song (thai rum), 3 bottles of red bull, 2 packs of noodles and a can of salted peanuts for 300 Baht (£6) so I think I’ll be OK.  The days that we don’t drink we hardly spend anything so I’ll no doubt have change left over at the end of the week so I can blow a tenner on a can of Strongbow.

We’ve also formulated some plans about where we want to go next and what’s in store in the long term.  After Ya Nui we’re thinking of doing a bit of Island hopping.  Everyone says that Phi Phi Isalnd isn’t what it used to be but is defo something that you have to do while you are here (the beach and all that), so we’ll probably just have a night or two there and then check out Krabi and all that before hitting the main land where we will have to descend to Malaysia to get a renewed Visa so we can stay in Thailand a bit longer.  A major thought for us is buying a bike with a sidecar so we can make our own way, keep our bags in the sidecar and see parts of the country we normally wouldn’t get to see otherwise…it’ll probably be a hell of a lot cheaper for us too.  Not sure on it all yet but it seems like a good idea and experience and we can always sell the bike when we are done with it or trade it for our lives when we get taken into a treetop prison by jungle savages.

Today I went to the ‘Brekkie Party’ which was a birthday party for a guy who’s just turned 66.  He’s called Bertie Bassett and is pretty much the epitome of Blackpool Pleasure Beach.  He rolled up on a scooter, which, due to his size looked like he was riding one of those Postman Pat or aero plane machines you get outside shops like Superdrug to keep the kids amused bobbing back and forth for 20 pence a go.  He was also wearing a crayzeee Glastonbury hat and what I assume to be a XXXL bright yellow T-Shirt proclaiming ‘Don’t worry be happy!’.  He had the same kinda vibe as Roy Chubby Brown or Bernard Manning and had pretty much the same repertoire of jokes too.  Apparently he hasn’t had a drink in 12 years and had to go into rehab for being an alcy, he professed to drinking 15 litres of White Lightning a day!  That’s some mean feat even by my standards, White Lightning aswell!  It’s no the best, everyone knows that Frosty Jacks is the champagne of white ciders.  Anyway, he goes on to crack every joke my Dad has ever heard, told or is likely to hear in his lifetime.  He told us that he got kicked out of Rehab for being too happy, people coming in ‘clucking’ (cold turkey) off heroin withdrawal would take the nip with him telling them it was a pure laugh in here and that they should look on the bright side of life etc…  His birthday treat was liver and onions with mashed potato and the Thai equivalent of Jaffa cakes – in other words…a pure laugh and definitely the bright side of life.  I cannot imagine what this cunt would be like with a drink in him!  At 66 I have to envy him for being so chipper though, he must know something we don’t, wither that or he pissed in all our beers.  So I spent a few hours there and met some new people including a Scottish couple who live in Saudi Arabia and come here on their holidays.  It turned out that the woman was from Clydebank (where I’m from) and the guy was from Eaglesham or something.  To be honest, it was pretty comforting meeting a woman called ‘Jackie’, reminded me of home and the fact that Clydebank is such a dive that you will find it’s citizens spread across the globe to escape a lifetime of bams and renting videos from the shop at the Hardgate.  A good time was had by all, they gave us free wine so I mixed up some red wine and coca cola and drank for free before following my nose in a Monterey Jack from the Rescue Rangers  (remember or google it)style drift towards my elusive life partner…cider.

Aye, this time I sniffed out some Blackthorn.  I normally don’t like the stuff but over here the imported version is a bit nicer.  We’re on a budget now so I was limited to just one can and a read of photocopied News of the World.  The barman tickled my fancies by tempting me with a pie (a rarity here as you can imagine), which I sadly had to decline for financial reasons. 

I do know that it is out there, The Big Dirty, The Sly, Sleekit, Timorous Beastie that is my nemesis, my Everest…my beloved Strongbow.  I just have to clear my mind, get all Zen and meditate on its essence and I’m sure I’ll find it.  Or, I could ask a local temple boy ‘Here pal, ah ken yer a monk an aw that but gonnae ask thon Buddha laddie fur a wee Morrisons deal on Strongbow tinnies’.  I’m sure I’ve nae chance but if I have to take my gutties aff and don a wee orange towel for some Strongbow then it’s just what has to be done.

Enough for now, I think it’s gonna rain again so I’m planning running about in it with my clothes off with my new pals…the dugs, who go daft for a wee run aboot in the rain.

Laters.

Crag

p.s. We have been taking some awesome photos and videos out here, I'll start posting them to the blog once I can be arsed with the upload times.

25.1.11

So the other day we got Karon tae fuck aswell, the ‘Pineapple’ was actually a pretty decent bit but we didn’t even bother to go out when we were there, the bars didn’t look very good.  To be honest there has only really been one night that we have been out since we’ve been away.  It’s just too hot most of the time so you get pretty tired and we keep screwing up our sleeping pattern then not being in the mood.  It’s better for saving money anyway.  On the subject of saving money, I have been drinking the cheap local brew!  Aye, can you believe it?  Crag is drinking beer!  The boys will be freaking out. 

For those of you not acquainted with my distaste for beer…it has been the absolute bane of my existence for the last 10 years.  Almost every day I will get offered free beer, or be asked if I fancy a beer or the special offer is only on beer so I’d have to spend a fortune otherwise.   I just always hated the taste of it so much that it forced me to vomit (turns out most things these days make me vomit anyway) every time.  In Thailand the local beer is Chang and it’s generally 50 Baht a go.  I can stomach it if it’s ice cold and luckily for me, most of the beer etc… is always ice cold so I’m getting there and managing to stomach it daily now.  On the beach this morning I even found myself half enjoying it.  This is what most people do when they’re 16, they hate the taste but force themselves to get into it for the sake of bravado and masculinity, I guess I’m just a big poofy late bloomer.  I was at the bar the other day and some old guy was telling me that I should stay away from the Chang devil as I would have the shakes within 6 months.  Apparently the Chang here is ‘unregulated’, so it can be anything from 6.4% (which it says on the bottle) to 16% and is rumoured to contain Formaldehyde.  Holly said she saw ‘my wee eyes light up’!  Here wi, Here wi, Here wi fuckin go!!

So, back on track.  Walloper Steve (but not in the good way) provided a taxi service to the next bit we were going to, Ya Nui, a relatively quiet bit apparently that has a very small beach.  We were going to check into some resort that was pretty cheap online until Steve informed us that ‘he knew Elton’, I was like ‘cool…I know Boy George’ until he informed us that Elton was actually the owner of the resort and that he knew him.  He rang up the Rocket Man and it turned out that the place was fully booked.  We got a lift down anyway just to chance it at other guesthouses along the way and at the very last stop when we were about to do a U-Turn we spotted a sign saying 50 Baht bevvy and 400 Baht rooms so got out and gave that a wee swatch.  The owner wasn’t there but there was a Scouser sunbathing naked by the empty pool who looked a hell of a lot like the head that used to be in art attack except with skin of leather, the scars of a Wildman and a twitch that only 10 years as a sun kissed sex tourist can give you.  He was real helpful though and assured us that it was a good joint and the owner would do us a wee deal.  Turned out we got the option of staying for a week for 300 baht a night, £6!  So we booked that and it’s been really good.  The staff here and the other residents are all really cool.  The folk all around this bit are all much older and either live here full time or stay in places like the one we are in for 6 months at a time.  It’s a real ex-pat community and it feels really safe as everyone knows each other so it’s pretty laid back.  You don’t get offered a fucking suit, a tuk tuk or a massage every 2 seconds which sweetens the pot for me.  It’s a strange thing though with these guys who are basically here to cruise the ‘girly bars’, on one hand you can’t really blame them because the girls here are choking for a foreigner with money to give them a better standard of life and that is generally what they get but on the other hand I suppose it’s all a bit sad to look at, the girls sitting there dutifully not saying a word while the guys sit and chain-drink all day and night long.  God knows what goes on behind closed doors but I assume it’s all just as subservient in the bedroom.  I’m kinda just rolling with the former and letting them get on with it, there are some nice people here.  On another note, I don’t know how these Sex Tourists do it, it’s far too hot here to even get a twinkle of a twinkle, never mind pumping ladyboys and the like every night!  Hats off to you boys.

One of my favourite things so far with the older Ex-Pat guys here was the other night when a big burly American guy called Jack rides in on a Harley Davidson with a dug sitting up on the front of the bike with it’s paws on the handlebars.  He brought it into the bar and the dug pops up on the stool beside him and planks its paws on the bar as if to order a beer.  It was like something out of that old picture of the dugs playing cards.  It turns out that it wasn’t even his dug, he had been at another bar and the wee guy was sniffing about his bike and the Thai barkeep said that the dug wanted a ride on his bike.  He dutifully agreed and was taken aback when the dug assumed the driving position with the paws on the throttle.  So Jack takes him round a few more bars on the bike and he gets up at the bar in each one.  When he took him to the bar we were in the lass behind the bar was doing her nails and the dug kept looking at her so she painted its nails too!  We were cracking up when the lass brings out a pink marker pen and gives the dug eyebrows and rosy cheeks!  The thing looked mental but it seemed quite content.  The Yank was just sitting patting his back saying ‘Who’s a good looking boy then?’ in his southern drawl.  Apparently he’s just calling him ‘Darling’ now, which kinda suits him I guess.

Ya Nui, as I’ve said is waaay more up our street than anywhere else we have been.  We have a tiny beach at the end of the road that doesn’t really get too busy and there are no towts selling anything round the sun loungers.  We got ridiculously sun burnt the other day though, we were fully greased up in sun cream and everything but somehow got toasted.  My wee fat nose is so red that I look like a the fucking guy from the Operation game when you screw up the operation.  So, today I am staying in the shade as much as I can.  I took the opportunity to listen to some music and catch up on Glasgow radio shows and podcasts. It’s been the first time I’ve listened to music since I have been away, to be honest it has been quite nice not having to listen to music for work and just for my own pleasure.  I also went out and took some photos and video footage so Hol could send them to her family at home and I would have something to do.  I am getting quite used to relaxing, I thought it would be a lot harder to switch off and that I would be bored oot ma chuff after a week.  Turns out that I have been sleeping a lot more, at home I was generally about 5-6 hours a night and here I’m going for 8-9 and even having naps.  The strangest thing is though, I’ve stopped dreaming!  Well, I’ve probably not stopped dreaming but I was always one who would remember his dreams every night and really enjoy remembering the wild patter that happened in my head.  I’m hoping this won’t last and my first one back will be a big sexy wet one!

Another day off the booze, went to a party last night then around a few of the bars but still had an early night,  There are only so many questionable Thai ‘lassies’ that you can see dancing around a bar trying to tempt in Italian boy racers riding Japanese hardons that you can see every night.  The party was pretty bizarre, it was for an English guy that lives in Majorca (another word for the 80’s) and they had a live band.  2 guys, a bass, a guitar, a mic and a laptop.  They just loaded up the laptop karaoke style and somehow knew how to play about 2000 songs.  Strangely, they did pretty well on things like Santana but failed miserably at Bon Jovi, time to leave after nicking a wee bit of the birthday boys buffet.

Right, this has been a long one and I’m suffering from ‘Bug Paranoia’, I have just tried to flick the cursor off of my screen so it’s time to go get myself some dinner and try and not let any of my red raw lobster limbs physically touch a single object or person for the next day or so.

Craggers

Nae Thai Elvis for Crag

21.1.11

I’ve realized that I now have a lot of spare time on my hands so will mostly be keeping this long winded diary while Holly sleeps, forgive my warbling.

Patter we went for and patter we got...Sort of.  We went up seedy street and checked out an enormous pool hall that seemed to have the DJ from Kushion belting oot the hits of the day in mash up form, pretty sure there was a mix of Rihanna and ‘If yooouuurre going to San Francisco, be sure to wear a flower in your haaaaaiiirrr’, whatever that song was?  Not too bad actually, we ended up playing 10 games of pool for a few quid.  Every time you finished a game they had wee guys that came and racked up the balls again for you which was nice, 

Our wee guy was called ‘Ice’ and was a bit of a legend.  Holly was getting beat, as usual and he interjected with ‘I beat you one hand’.  Fair enough, on you go son.  He held the cue like a Javelin or like he was spear fishing and potted all the balls!  I’d never really seen anything like it (apart from maybe Pool hero Kev The Cannonball while stocious drunk) in my life.  Then I realized why he played like that, he was missing one of his index fingers!  We got him a beer and I questioned whether I’d ever play pool again. 

Ten games and several cocktails later we headed for Rock City (the rock club with the Predator as a bouncer) for some live music. We had missed the Metallica Tribute Act, which was a bit of a downer, but there was a house covers band playing next.  The club was pretty mental, it had a real big stage with a giant Gorilla over it and the cocktails were strong as hell.  The band were actually pretty gallus and they could all really play.  They were doing a good bit of everything from Bon Jovi to The Clash. They got me up to sing some of that bloody Jet song, be my girl or whatever – was gid fun. 

The thai lassies were giving it big licks up on the speakers at the side of the stage and Holly seemed to think this was a good idea for her in her drunken stupor.  Fair enough, I just let her get on with it.  I tried to join her but the bouncers ‘only let lady dance’ so I had to stay on the floor.  Holly then thought it would be a good idea to try and get crunk with the junk in her trunk all over my crotch.  She wasn’t really selling it well so I asked her to stop.  Turns out you cannae really say that to lassies when they’re trying to be sexy!  Time to get her home without mentioning the words, home, drunk or ‘shut yer face ya drunken boot’, which is a lot harder than it sounds.  I made out like I was the one who was too drunk which she obviously agreed with and headed back to the gay barracks.  Went into the shop to get some water and she spilled that all over herself much to the amusement of the wee thai shopkeeper.  I got some cheese and ham toasties, which I was pretty surprised they had to be honest.  Pretty good wee set up they have.  A breville in the shop and a wee Tupperware box with all the sandwiches made up, I assume from that morning.  They tasted cracking, whodathiunkit?  Off to sleep with a James Bond movie.

Morning comes and Holly has no memory of last night, strange that considering she wasn’t drunk at all eh?  We check out of the Lovelli hostel and some things become a little clearer.  When we were checking in the owner made a point of asking how we had heard of the place and I didn’t really think much of it.  On the morning of check out the Gay Fawlty Towers thing was still in full effect except this time Manuel had on a yellow shirt and grey socks.  All of the other people in reception were obviously gay too, and from Germany I think so it was turbo gay and then came the cherry on the top.  ‘Good morning Victoria’ cooed the owner and then this man/woman walked in with the actual face of the old one from ‘How Clean is Your House’ (the one with the crackin’ bun) and the body of my Da, but harder.  I assume that this was in fact a gay hostel  and we inadvertently ended up staying there on our hetero-honeymoon.  No wonder the room was so nicely turned out!  I forgot to mention that I had my first whitey of the trip before we checked out, I tried to take a multi-vitamin with some coca cola and ended up having a fizzy spew right back down the sink.  We then had a cab ride in scorching heat and winding roads to Karon to deal with, I wisnae a happy bunny.

We rocked up to the Pineapple hostel about 12.30 and all seemed nice and chilled out, the guy wasn’t expecting me til the next day but we got a space in a dorm anyway.  Not the nicest looking of places but it feels safe and hospitable.  Getting out of Patong was the best move we’ve made so far, Karon is way nicer and a lot more relaxed.  You still get a bit of hassle from street vendors (mostly tailors actually that all have the same patter and want to give you their business card, right slimy looking too the tailors for some reason?) but the difference here is that they only seem to be on one side of the street so you can avoid them.  We headed for the beach and that was much, much nicer and a lot cleaner and quieter.  Straight into the sea for a wee cool down.  The sea here is amazing, clear waters and a nice temperature, you can just nip in for a swim then come out and the sun dries you off in minutes. We had a nice wee day of sun bathing and reading about decadent dandy’s and womanizing drunken writers.

After the sun bathing we went a wander and came across a nice restaurant on the beach that had an amazing view of the sunset.  Holly got a steak and I went for a burger, as I was still feeling fragile.  The burger came and it tasted of Coffee, pretty much the weirdest tasting thing ever.  I fucking hate coffee aswell so that didn’t help, the staff were in the dark as to how this could be, what I was saying and probably what day it was. The view from here really was amazing though, seeing the sun fully set over the horizon of the sea and the pink sky was the nicest I’ve ever seen.  I discovered my new favourite thing too, Fruit Shakes.  Basically fruit and ice blitzed together, had 2 orange and one watermelon in about 20 mins, they are awesome. 

Just sitting in the hostel now debating what to do, staying off the booze today and I never really want to eat anyway so might get some dvd’s from downstairs and have an early kip.   Went for the worst shower in the world just there, when you turn on the tap the (cold) water sprays everywhere, out of the handle and the pipe and everything.  The water sprayed all over my dry clothes and also into a crack in the wall, which set off about a thousand ants to out of a crack.  At £4 a night I cannae really grumble I suppose.

I wanted to go see an Elvis tribute later but it was about £11 each to get in which is more than it’s costing us for a room for the night so it got vetoed by the Mrs. 

A Thai Elvis would have been awesome though.

Uh huh huh

Craggers

Travels of a wee man - 20.1.11

OK, so I'm gonna attempt a bit of travel writing, diary keeping while on my travels so I can look back at it when I'm even older and still get it right up yeez all.  Here goes...

Leaving Glasgow wasn’t too bad, slept OK the night before until 6am then kept having strange dreams about my wife and her mother.  Nothing dodgy, more situational comedy stuff…you had to be there, but nobody was.

When we got to Glasgow airport I realized that it was actually too hot even in there for my Scottish pallor to deal with and got a wee bit worried about the extreme heat that was to follow.  I wasn’t really concerned about leaving Glasgow, my life, friends, home and family until I realized that I was missing ‘Three Ninjas : Kick Back’ on Channel 5 and then later Bad Boys 2 on ITV.  That’s when it really sank in.

Transit was a nightmare though, not for any real reason, it just isn’t really the best way to spend your time.  I actually really enjoyed the first part from Glasgow to Dubai because Holly slept and I watched chick flicks on the wee telly in my seat.  I made pals with the Air Steward who looked like the kinda melted one from JLS and he was giving me 2 drinks for every one I asked for and giving me a wee wink.  Gid Lad.  Ended up in a pretty good mood as each wee bottle was 50ml and I got drinks almost 10 times.  By the end of it I was doing the wee salute thing that Tom Cruise does when he takes off in Top Gun then laughing to myself when I realized “Ahm ekshully oan a plane!”.  Happy Days.

Then, the inevitable happened.  Every fucking time I get on a plane or go somewhere I meet someone I know, or in most cases don’t but they seem to know me.  I clocked her on the way onto the plane sitting beside a tiny Chinese woman. “Hiya” as I feigned ignorance.  7 hours later and we’re leaving the plane and there she is waiting at the end of the terminal for us.  Good job Holly was with me and she introduced herself or I wouldn’t have known her name.  She is someone from the days when we’d be out trawling parties and always end up in the Halt or Arlington bar on a Sunday, she was always pretty nice but a bit too spaced out and ‘affected’ by whatever she had been up to before.  And so it begins…9 hours of hanging around with this girl in Dubai airport through the night.  You know what I’m like, and Holly too.  We quite like to just sit and read when there’s nowt to do or talk about but this girl just couldnae handle it.  She stated that she “hated reading, just couldn’t get into it” so progressed to sit there either staring into space or staring at you and then commenting almost just for the sake of it something terribly banal like ‘Did you hear someone got cured of aids?” – FUCK RIGHT OFF.  At one point I made a very visual (and rude) point of putting in ear plugs while she was talking at me.  It didn’t work by the way.  Anyway, enough about that – I’m sure I’ll run into some dicks from school when I head to the beach later.  Dubai was a struggle, nae sleep nae air, nae bevy, nae patter.  Onwards to Singapore.  (I will add one thing though, when you start descending into Dubai they play a video and a song to welcome you by Bryan Adams – QUALITAAAAAAY is all I’ll say)

Singapore was pretty easy going airport wise, nae bother getting our luggage and a cab – good price, good motor and good patter from a wee Chinese man that must have worked for universal Studios on the side.  I must note that this was about the only value for money we experienced in all our time in Singapore.  We got to our Hotel, the ultra Gucci ‘Fullerton Hotel’, pretty much the nicest bit I’ve ever been in.  It used to be the Post Office for Singapore then they done it up into a 5 star hotel so you can see a good mix of the old and the new. We felt pretty out of place there and kept expecting to be directed to the nearest Korn concert but the staff were really, really nice and helpful. The room we got was awesome, it had a massive bathroom and balcony and a king size bed. They left us a nice wee note with a bottle of wine and a teddy with a sprig of Holly on it for Holly.  Gallus.

We arrived pretty late so just went round the wee bay where we were at and found some pubs and eateries that looked like they would be on the cheap side (Best Kebab kinda vibe) and the first place we came across sold Strongbow, apparently on draught.  Fuck it, lets get one of them to start us off.  28 Singapore Dollars!  It wisnae draught either, I can tell these things – it was from glass 330ml bottles.  (I will keep you updated on this blog with all the instances and occurrences of Strongbow and other ciders as I go along)  That works out at about £15 for 2 drinks.  OK, we thought.  This is probably just because we’re drinking imported Strongbow eh?  Naw son.  We venture further down to get some food, Holly opted for the Stingray (mad cow) and I got a Green Curry.  Was pretty good but we were expecting to pay about 4 bucks for each meal.  £40 and about 9 minutes later we were unsatisfied.  Again, OK we thought – we’re new to this, surely it’ll get better when we find our feet, let’s go get some beers and chill out in the hotel room.

The next day the weather was a bit of a shiter but we went out and got a wee boat tour round the river and the various quays. That Marina Bay Sands hotel is one of the maddest things I have ever seen!  Its sheer size is really off putting, not of it but off ma dinner.  It was like in Independence Day when that big Spaceship arrives and every goes out into their gardens to see it looming above their heads, really scary but really, really impressive.  I have never seen anything as adventurous as that before, (google it, it has a ship on top of it bridging 3 bulidings!) truly impressive as were a lot of the other buildings.  We walked up into Chinatown and that was my favourite part of Singapore, a bit more scummy and a lot more flavours going on. We got some food and cocktails at some nice wee places then walked around the city with some cold bottles with an eye as to where to go in the night.  That night we went out to Clarke Quay as it looked really nice, and indeed it was – really well done, lit and some interesting entertainment and food.  Again, it was just so expensive so we had a couple and a Mexican meal and decided to get some cans and sit by the river (which is what the locals all seemed to be doing) with a pack of cards. We don’t really know any card games so made up some new Monkey Face games with the Joker Cards, which strangely had a rabbit coming out of an egg on them.  ‘Ultimate Hand Monkey Face’ and 21 with Simian Flushes were highlights of these games.  Back to the hotel to get packed and ready to leave for Thailand in the morning.

Air Asia is pretty gallus by the way, £35 each for a flight from Singapore to Phuket and the plane was nice and clean.  One of the stewardesses obviously learned how to speak English from the voice function on the mac, she sounded so like the female voice.  Cannae hold it against them, they were the best of a bad bunch of all relatively unattractive Stewardesses on the trip thus far.  We arrived in Phuket and it took an age to get through customs and the like.  We had an hours cab ride to Patong where we were staying so the wee bammy Thai driver played us a CD of covers of popular songs including Right Here Waiting, I Swear and Hero which were all pretty strange but as you can imagine…I was in my element!  The roads here are crazy, guys sitting on piles of sticks on top of jeeps, women with 4 babies on scooters and generally a vibe much like what you see when you look at semen through a microscope.  We got to the hotel though and all was good.  It was like a gay Fawlty Towers and actually pretty hilarious, a super queen guy from England on the front Desk with a Thai assistant in a pink shirt and Grey socks doing the Manuel bit and giving him that gay ‘past remarkable’ glance at every turn.  Hilarious.  The room was actually really nice though and pretty cheap.

In Phuket, the first thing that was on telly was actually fucking Bad Boys 2 in English with Thai subtitles – I took that as a sign that all would be well and no matter how much I miss the creature comforts of home there will always be shady films and music to get me by.  A favourite past time of mine as a youngster was to walk around listening to music on my headphones and imagine that what was happening in my life at that moment was the music video to that song.  It was kinda like those montage scenes you used to get in Baywatch where there would be some character called ‘Billy Warlock’ or some shit walking around and it would change to sepia tones and some 90’s power ballad was accompanying the scene.  I think I’m gonna do that with ‘Cruisin Down the Streets Of Siam’ from the Kickboxer soundtrack today.

Phuket si a good bit though.  Actually, it’s no, it’s a pure shiter.  I’m gonna have to fly kick  the next person that say’s ‘My Friend’, ‘Tuk Tuk’, ‘Jet Ski’ or even ‘Hello’.  I know it’s the way of life here and all that but my patience is short at the best of times. The only solace I have is that Dan West isn’t here to speak to them all individually and debate the price of an Ed Hardy cap he’s never going to buy anyway.

The sweets and food are pretty different, not like in berlin where you got a fucking white twix and not in a pure upside down way like ‘Mango Tango’, well maybe a wee bit like that as I just saw Seaweed flavour Pringles – if that’s not upside doon then I don’t know what is. 

To cut a long story short, it’s just too busy here and too full of cunts from Bolton, Germany, Russia and Glasgow.  We managed to screw up our sleeping pattern last night so that we woke up at 2am, kicked about the shanty hoose for a bit then went to the beach at about 6.45am – there were still plenty of bars open and ladyboys lining the streets as the sun was coming up, well in folks.  We spent the day on the beach before getting bored and finding a shop that sells premium spirits for hee haw – 380 BHT later we have a litre of gin.  Gonna have a wee cuddle, a nap and a cold shower then hit some pubs and clubs tonight. There is one place that has a big sign saying ‘AC/DC + Metallica tribute’ that has a Predator statue looking hard outside it.  I dare say we will be going there for a bit of patter.

Until then, I’ll blog again in a couple of days.

Craggers