So the other day we got Karon tae fuck aswell, the ‘Pineapple’ was actually a pretty decent bit but we didn’t even bother to go out when we were there, the bars didn’t look very good. To be honest there has only really been one night that we have been out since we’ve been away. It’s just too hot most of the time so you get pretty tired and we keep screwing up our sleeping pattern then not being in the mood. It’s better for saving money anyway. On the subject of saving money, I have been drinking the cheap local brew! Aye, can you believe it? Crag is drinking beer! The boys will be freaking out.
For those of you not acquainted with my distaste for beer…it has been the absolute bane of my existence for the last 10 years. Almost every day I will get offered free beer, or be asked if I fancy a beer or the special offer is only on beer so I’d have to spend a fortune otherwise. I just always hated the taste of it so much that it forced me to vomit (turns out most things these days make me vomit anyway) every time. In Thailand the local beer is Chang and it’s generally 50 Baht a go. I can stomach it if it’s ice cold and luckily for me, most of the beer etc… is always ice cold so I’m getting there and managing to stomach it daily now. On the beach this morning I even found myself half enjoying it. This is what most people do when they’re 16, they hate the taste but force themselves to get into it for the sake of bravado and masculinity, I guess I’m just a big poofy late bloomer. I was at the bar the other day and some old guy was telling me that I should stay away from the Chang devil as I would have the shakes within 6 months. Apparently the Chang here is ‘unregulated’, so it can be anything from 6.4% (which it says on the bottle) to 16% and is rumoured to contain Formaldehyde. Holly said she saw ‘my wee eyes light up’! Here wi, Here wi, Here wi fuckin go!!
So, back on track. Walloper Steve (but not in the good way) provided a taxi service to the next bit we were going to, Ya Nui, a relatively quiet bit apparently that has a very small beach. We were going to check into some resort that was pretty cheap online until Steve informed us that ‘he knew Elton’, I was like ‘cool…I know Boy George’ until he informed us that Elton was actually the owner of the resort and that he knew him. He rang up the Rocket Man and it turned out that the place was fully booked. We got a lift down anyway just to chance it at other guesthouses along the way and at the very last stop when we were about to do a U-Turn we spotted a sign saying 50 Baht bevvy and 400 Baht rooms so got out and gave that a wee swatch. The owner wasn’t there but there was a Scouser sunbathing naked by the empty pool who looked a hell of a lot like the head that used to be in art attack except with skin of leather, the scars of a Wildman and a twitch that only 10 years as a sun kissed sex tourist can give you. He was real helpful though and assured us that it was a good joint and the owner would do us a wee deal. Turned out we got the option of staying for a week for 300 baht a night, £6! So we booked that and it’s been really good. The staff here and the other residents are all really cool. The folk all around this bit are all much older and either live here full time or stay in places like the one we are in for 6 months at a time. It’s a real ex-pat community and it feels really safe as everyone knows each other so it’s pretty laid back. You don’t get offered a fucking suit, a tuk tuk or a massage every 2 seconds which sweetens the pot for me. It’s a strange thing though with these guys who are basically here to cruise the ‘girly bars’, on one hand you can’t really blame them because the girls here are choking for a foreigner with money to give them a better standard of life and that is generally what they get but on the other hand I suppose it’s all a bit sad to look at, the girls sitting there dutifully not saying a word while the guys sit and chain-drink all day and night long. God knows what goes on behind closed doors but I assume it’s all just as subservient in the bedroom. I’m kinda just rolling with the former and letting them get on with it, there are some nice people here. On another note, I don’t know how these Sex Tourists do it, it’s far too hot here to even get a twinkle of a twinkle, never mind pumping ladyboys and the like every night! Hats off to you boys.
One of my favourite things so far with the older Ex-Pat guys here was the other night when a big burly American guy called Jack rides in on a Harley Davidson with a dug sitting up on the front of the bike with it’s paws on the handlebars. He brought it into the bar and the dug pops up on the stool beside him and planks its paws on the bar as if to order a beer. It was like something out of that old picture of the dugs playing cards. It turns out that it wasn’t even his dug, he had been at another bar and the wee guy was sniffing about his bike and the Thai barkeep said that the dug wanted a ride on his bike. He dutifully agreed and was taken aback when the dug assumed the driving position with the paws on the throttle. So Jack takes him round a few more bars on the bike and he gets up at the bar in each one. When he took him to the bar we were in the lass behind the bar was doing her nails and the dug kept looking at her so she painted its nails too! We were cracking up when the lass brings out a pink marker pen and gives the dug eyebrows and rosy cheeks! The thing looked mental but it seemed quite content. The Yank was just sitting patting his back saying ‘Who’s a good looking boy then?’ in his southern drawl. Apparently he’s just calling him ‘Darling’ now, which kinda suits him I guess.
Ya Nui, as I’ve said is waaay more up our street than anywhere else we have been. We have a tiny beach at the end of the road that doesn’t really get too busy and there are no towts selling anything round the sun loungers. We got ridiculously sun burnt the other day though, we were fully greased up in sun cream and everything but somehow got toasted. My wee fat nose is so red that I look like a the fucking guy from the Operation game when you screw up the operation. So, today I am staying in the shade as much as I can. I took the opportunity to listen to some music and catch up on Glasgow radio shows and podcasts. It’s been the first time I’ve listened to music since I have been away, to be honest it has been quite nice not having to listen to music for work and just for my own pleasure. I also went out and took some photos and video footage so Hol could send them to her family at home and I would have something to do. I am getting quite used to relaxing, I thought it would be a lot harder to switch off and that I would be bored oot ma chuff after a week. Turns out that I have been sleeping a lot more, at home I was generally about 5-6 hours a night and here I’m going for 8-9 and even having naps. The strangest thing is though, I’ve stopped dreaming! Well, I’ve probably not stopped dreaming but I was always one who would remember his dreams every night and really enjoy remembering the wild patter that happened in my head. I’m hoping this won’t last and my first one back will be a big sexy wet one!
Another day off the booze, went to a party last night then around a few of the bars but still had an early night, There are only so many questionable Thai ‘lassies’ that you can see dancing around a bar trying to tempt in Italian boy racers riding Japanese hardons that you can see every night. The party was pretty bizarre, it was for an English guy that lives in Majorca (another word for the 80’s) and they had a live band. 2 guys, a bass, a guitar, a mic and a laptop. They just loaded up the laptop karaoke style and somehow knew how to play about 2000 songs. Strangely, they did pretty well on things like Santana but failed miserably at Bon Jovi, time to leave after nicking a wee bit of the birthday boys buffet.
Right, this has been a long one and I’m suffering from ‘Bug Paranoia’, I have just tried to flick the cursor off of my screen so it’s time to go get myself some dinner and try and not let any of my red raw lobster limbs physically touch a single object or person for the next day or so.
Craggers
Amazing as usual, wallop on pal
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