“Excuse me” said a very chirpy looking fellow from Denmark as I was working the other day. “Aye?” said I, “Should I beware of Monkey Thieves?”. At this moment I was thinking he might have been a student who had overdosed on Eddie Izzard in 1999 and still thought it funny to see humour in putting incongruous words together and putting on a funny voice. But, alas, no, he was serious! He informed me that an ape had been coming to his hotel room at the same time for the last two days and he had been warned that people train monkeys to steal cameras and wallets for their devious owners. I was as polite as I could be and told him that he should always beware of everyone, especially with his valued possessions but I still really wasn’t buying it. It turned out that he was just an unrealistically happy man and was indeed being stalked by an ape, his wife showed me a video they had taken that day of the simian in question trying his best to pry open his patio door, the funniest part about the whole thing though was hearing him saying in the video “oooh noo you ditnt!” in his best Hoochie Mama/Danish tone as the monkey brushed off his shooing and pelting of the glass. I guess you had to be there, and I guess I wish I had been, even if only to see if the monkey was taller than me.
There is absolutely no chance Holly and I will fall victim to any such aping around as we have now moved to a new gaff with a, wait for it …’Mountain View’! I’m quite a fan of a wee embellishment of the truth here and there but when your mountain vista is a pane of glass with a sheer rock face one inch apart you have to concede wan tae you and just laugh about it. We live above a Bike shop and have to raise the noisy shop shutter every time you enter then run the mosquito gauntlet to the room. Our landlord seems a funny chap that may have been a victim of a shark attack. The reason I comment is that I see him sans tap practicing his golf swing with a weighted putter and he has an awesome (in my mind) shark enduced scar on his torso.
Tonight I went to work at the nighttime job after working all day and it turned out I wasn’t needed, as the island is getting quieter. Common courtesy comes into play when you see a staff member sitting there for an hour and a half and your response when he storms out is ‘were you wanting to work?’. ‘No, I love hanging out in restaurants on my own’.
In a moment of slight revenge but really just desperation I went to a bar doing 150 baht buckets for Happy hour when I was overcome by the strongest compulsion for a shite. This bar, as you have probably guessed by the prices doesn’t have the nicest of cludgies so I found myself using a check pad from the night job to wipe my derriere with. Not the most glamorous I’ve ever looked but in comparison to the toilet I was in I was Shirley Bassey on her throne singing ‘kiss me, honey, honey, kiss me’. The lack of toilet roll or even a ‘Thai Style Bum Shower’ must be apparent to you by now but it gets even worse. The bottom of the cubicle door seemed to have teeth where it has been kicked in or rotted away that looked like the warnings on cigarette packets. Strangely though there was one brief convenience for this inconvenience in the form of a rusty nail for hanging your coat, or breeks on…it was a strange kindness in some way and I am thankful for that in some way. Maybe Buddha is getting to me?
Anyway, the world still looks like it’s going to shit. After the Japan thing I didn’t watch the news but when I did take a sneak peak I saw that the world seems to have invaded Libya promoting what looks like WWIII. I guess that’s what happens when you let Mickey Rourke run a country, he was good in Angel Heart and The Wrestler but he seems to have went more aff his nut this time than when he turned down a career getting his head sooked in soft porn with Kim Bassinger to getting his head pummeled in a boxing ring. I hope Stallone takes his place.
Enough for now, I need to get back to some ‘proper’ writing and ignore the couple beside me asking each other ‘what’s your favourite fish?’ and set about meeting the most Scottish, not Scottish guy in the world and Robin Gibb with the best beard in the world for a light refreshment and ‘beard off’ under a kerosene coated skipping rope.
More to come soon as my good friend Dan and I are planning a wee trip around South East Asia with a crutch each.
Crag
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