Nae Thai Elvis for Crag

21.1.11

I’ve realized that I now have a lot of spare time on my hands so will mostly be keeping this long winded diary while Holly sleeps, forgive my warbling.

Patter we went for and patter we got...Sort of.  We went up seedy street and checked out an enormous pool hall that seemed to have the DJ from Kushion belting oot the hits of the day in mash up form, pretty sure there was a mix of Rihanna and ‘If yooouuurre going to San Francisco, be sure to wear a flower in your haaaaaiiirrr’, whatever that song was?  Not too bad actually, we ended up playing 10 games of pool for a few quid.  Every time you finished a game they had wee guys that came and racked up the balls again for you which was nice, 

Our wee guy was called ‘Ice’ and was a bit of a legend.  Holly was getting beat, as usual and he interjected with ‘I beat you one hand’.  Fair enough, on you go son.  He held the cue like a Javelin or like he was spear fishing and potted all the balls!  I’d never really seen anything like it (apart from maybe Pool hero Kev The Cannonball while stocious drunk) in my life.  Then I realized why he played like that, he was missing one of his index fingers!  We got him a beer and I questioned whether I’d ever play pool again. 

Ten games and several cocktails later we headed for Rock City (the rock club with the Predator as a bouncer) for some live music. We had missed the Metallica Tribute Act, which was a bit of a downer, but there was a house covers band playing next.  The club was pretty mental, it had a real big stage with a giant Gorilla over it and the cocktails were strong as hell.  The band were actually pretty gallus and they could all really play.  They were doing a good bit of everything from Bon Jovi to The Clash. They got me up to sing some of that bloody Jet song, be my girl or whatever – was gid fun. 

The thai lassies were giving it big licks up on the speakers at the side of the stage and Holly seemed to think this was a good idea for her in her drunken stupor.  Fair enough, I just let her get on with it.  I tried to join her but the bouncers ‘only let lady dance’ so I had to stay on the floor.  Holly then thought it would be a good idea to try and get crunk with the junk in her trunk all over my crotch.  She wasn’t really selling it well so I asked her to stop.  Turns out you cannae really say that to lassies when they’re trying to be sexy!  Time to get her home without mentioning the words, home, drunk or ‘shut yer face ya drunken boot’, which is a lot harder than it sounds.  I made out like I was the one who was too drunk which she obviously agreed with and headed back to the gay barracks.  Went into the shop to get some water and she spilled that all over herself much to the amusement of the wee thai shopkeeper.  I got some cheese and ham toasties, which I was pretty surprised they had to be honest.  Pretty good wee set up they have.  A breville in the shop and a wee Tupperware box with all the sandwiches made up, I assume from that morning.  They tasted cracking, whodathiunkit?  Off to sleep with a James Bond movie.

Morning comes and Holly has no memory of last night, strange that considering she wasn’t drunk at all eh?  We check out of the Lovelli hostel and some things become a little clearer.  When we were checking in the owner made a point of asking how we had heard of the place and I didn’t really think much of it.  On the morning of check out the Gay Fawlty Towers thing was still in full effect except this time Manuel had on a yellow shirt and grey socks.  All of the other people in reception were obviously gay too, and from Germany I think so it was turbo gay and then came the cherry on the top.  ‘Good morning Victoria’ cooed the owner and then this man/woman walked in with the actual face of the old one from ‘How Clean is Your House’ (the one with the crackin’ bun) and the body of my Da, but harder.  I assume that this was in fact a gay hostel  and we inadvertently ended up staying there on our hetero-honeymoon.  No wonder the room was so nicely turned out!  I forgot to mention that I had my first whitey of the trip before we checked out, I tried to take a multi-vitamin with some coca cola and ended up having a fizzy spew right back down the sink.  We then had a cab ride in scorching heat and winding roads to Karon to deal with, I wisnae a happy bunny.

We rocked up to the Pineapple hostel about 12.30 and all seemed nice and chilled out, the guy wasn’t expecting me til the next day but we got a space in a dorm anyway.  Not the nicest looking of places but it feels safe and hospitable.  Getting out of Patong was the best move we’ve made so far, Karon is way nicer and a lot more relaxed.  You still get a bit of hassle from street vendors (mostly tailors actually that all have the same patter and want to give you their business card, right slimy looking too the tailors for some reason?) but the difference here is that they only seem to be on one side of the street so you can avoid them.  We headed for the beach and that was much, much nicer and a lot cleaner and quieter.  Straight into the sea for a wee cool down.  The sea here is amazing, clear waters and a nice temperature, you can just nip in for a swim then come out and the sun dries you off in minutes. We had a nice wee day of sun bathing and reading about decadent dandy’s and womanizing drunken writers.

After the sun bathing we went a wander and came across a nice restaurant on the beach that had an amazing view of the sunset.  Holly got a steak and I went for a burger, as I was still feeling fragile.  The burger came and it tasted of Coffee, pretty much the weirdest tasting thing ever.  I fucking hate coffee aswell so that didn’t help, the staff were in the dark as to how this could be, what I was saying and probably what day it was. The view from here really was amazing though, seeing the sun fully set over the horizon of the sea and the pink sky was the nicest I’ve ever seen.  I discovered my new favourite thing too, Fruit Shakes.  Basically fruit and ice blitzed together, had 2 orange and one watermelon in about 20 mins, they are awesome. 

Just sitting in the hostel now debating what to do, staying off the booze today and I never really want to eat anyway so might get some dvd’s from downstairs and have an early kip.   Went for the worst shower in the world just there, when you turn on the tap the (cold) water sprays everywhere, out of the handle and the pipe and everything.  The water sprayed all over my dry clothes and also into a crack in the wall, which set off about a thousand ants to out of a crack.  At £4 a night I cannae really grumble I suppose.

I wanted to go see an Elvis tribute later but it was about £11 each to get in which is more than it’s costing us for a room for the night so it got vetoed by the Mrs. 

A Thai Elvis would have been awesome though.

Uh huh huh

Craggers

Travels of a wee man - 20.1.11

OK, so I'm gonna attempt a bit of travel writing, diary keeping while on my travels so I can look back at it when I'm even older and still get it right up yeez all.  Here goes...

Leaving Glasgow wasn’t too bad, slept OK the night before until 6am then kept having strange dreams about my wife and her mother.  Nothing dodgy, more situational comedy stuff…you had to be there, but nobody was.

When we got to Glasgow airport I realized that it was actually too hot even in there for my Scottish pallor to deal with and got a wee bit worried about the extreme heat that was to follow.  I wasn’t really concerned about leaving Glasgow, my life, friends, home and family until I realized that I was missing ‘Three Ninjas : Kick Back’ on Channel 5 and then later Bad Boys 2 on ITV.  That’s when it really sank in.

Transit was a nightmare though, not for any real reason, it just isn’t really the best way to spend your time.  I actually really enjoyed the first part from Glasgow to Dubai because Holly slept and I watched chick flicks on the wee telly in my seat.  I made pals with the Air Steward who looked like the kinda melted one from JLS and he was giving me 2 drinks for every one I asked for and giving me a wee wink.  Gid Lad.  Ended up in a pretty good mood as each wee bottle was 50ml and I got drinks almost 10 times.  By the end of it I was doing the wee salute thing that Tom Cruise does when he takes off in Top Gun then laughing to myself when I realized “Ahm ekshully oan a plane!”.  Happy Days.

Then, the inevitable happened.  Every fucking time I get on a plane or go somewhere I meet someone I know, or in most cases don’t but they seem to know me.  I clocked her on the way onto the plane sitting beside a tiny Chinese woman. “Hiya” as I feigned ignorance.  7 hours later and we’re leaving the plane and there she is waiting at the end of the terminal for us.  Good job Holly was with me and she introduced herself or I wouldn’t have known her name.  She is someone from the days when we’d be out trawling parties and always end up in the Halt or Arlington bar on a Sunday, she was always pretty nice but a bit too spaced out and ‘affected’ by whatever she had been up to before.  And so it begins…9 hours of hanging around with this girl in Dubai airport through the night.  You know what I’m like, and Holly too.  We quite like to just sit and read when there’s nowt to do or talk about but this girl just couldnae handle it.  She stated that she “hated reading, just couldn’t get into it” so progressed to sit there either staring into space or staring at you and then commenting almost just for the sake of it something terribly banal like ‘Did you hear someone got cured of aids?” – FUCK RIGHT OFF.  At one point I made a very visual (and rude) point of putting in ear plugs while she was talking at me.  It didn’t work by the way.  Anyway, enough about that – I’m sure I’ll run into some dicks from school when I head to the beach later.  Dubai was a struggle, nae sleep nae air, nae bevy, nae patter.  Onwards to Singapore.  (I will add one thing though, when you start descending into Dubai they play a video and a song to welcome you by Bryan Adams – QUALITAAAAAAY is all I’ll say)

Singapore was pretty easy going airport wise, nae bother getting our luggage and a cab – good price, good motor and good patter from a wee Chinese man that must have worked for universal Studios on the side.  I must note that this was about the only value for money we experienced in all our time in Singapore.  We got to our Hotel, the ultra Gucci ‘Fullerton Hotel’, pretty much the nicest bit I’ve ever been in.  It used to be the Post Office for Singapore then they done it up into a 5 star hotel so you can see a good mix of the old and the new. We felt pretty out of place there and kept expecting to be directed to the nearest Korn concert but the staff were really, really nice and helpful. The room we got was awesome, it had a massive bathroom and balcony and a king size bed. They left us a nice wee note with a bottle of wine and a teddy with a sprig of Holly on it for Holly.  Gallus.

We arrived pretty late so just went round the wee bay where we were at and found some pubs and eateries that looked like they would be on the cheap side (Best Kebab kinda vibe) and the first place we came across sold Strongbow, apparently on draught.  Fuck it, lets get one of them to start us off.  28 Singapore Dollars!  It wisnae draught either, I can tell these things – it was from glass 330ml bottles.  (I will keep you updated on this blog with all the instances and occurrences of Strongbow and other ciders as I go along)  That works out at about £15 for 2 drinks.  OK, we thought.  This is probably just because we’re drinking imported Strongbow eh?  Naw son.  We venture further down to get some food, Holly opted for the Stingray (mad cow) and I got a Green Curry.  Was pretty good but we were expecting to pay about 4 bucks for each meal.  £40 and about 9 minutes later we were unsatisfied.  Again, OK we thought – we’re new to this, surely it’ll get better when we find our feet, let’s go get some beers and chill out in the hotel room.

The next day the weather was a bit of a shiter but we went out and got a wee boat tour round the river and the various quays. That Marina Bay Sands hotel is one of the maddest things I have ever seen!  Its sheer size is really off putting, not of it but off ma dinner.  It was like in Independence Day when that big Spaceship arrives and every goes out into their gardens to see it looming above their heads, really scary but really, really impressive.  I have never seen anything as adventurous as that before, (google it, it has a ship on top of it bridging 3 bulidings!) truly impressive as were a lot of the other buildings.  We walked up into Chinatown and that was my favourite part of Singapore, a bit more scummy and a lot more flavours going on. We got some food and cocktails at some nice wee places then walked around the city with some cold bottles with an eye as to where to go in the night.  That night we went out to Clarke Quay as it looked really nice, and indeed it was – really well done, lit and some interesting entertainment and food.  Again, it was just so expensive so we had a couple and a Mexican meal and decided to get some cans and sit by the river (which is what the locals all seemed to be doing) with a pack of cards. We don’t really know any card games so made up some new Monkey Face games with the Joker Cards, which strangely had a rabbit coming out of an egg on them.  ‘Ultimate Hand Monkey Face’ and 21 with Simian Flushes were highlights of these games.  Back to the hotel to get packed and ready to leave for Thailand in the morning.

Air Asia is pretty gallus by the way, £35 each for a flight from Singapore to Phuket and the plane was nice and clean.  One of the stewardesses obviously learned how to speak English from the voice function on the mac, she sounded so like the female voice.  Cannae hold it against them, they were the best of a bad bunch of all relatively unattractive Stewardesses on the trip thus far.  We arrived in Phuket and it took an age to get through customs and the like.  We had an hours cab ride to Patong where we were staying so the wee bammy Thai driver played us a CD of covers of popular songs including Right Here Waiting, I Swear and Hero which were all pretty strange but as you can imagine…I was in my element!  The roads here are crazy, guys sitting on piles of sticks on top of jeeps, women with 4 babies on scooters and generally a vibe much like what you see when you look at semen through a microscope.  We got to the hotel though and all was good.  It was like a gay Fawlty Towers and actually pretty hilarious, a super queen guy from England on the front Desk with a Thai assistant in a pink shirt and Grey socks doing the Manuel bit and giving him that gay ‘past remarkable’ glance at every turn.  Hilarious.  The room was actually really nice though and pretty cheap.

In Phuket, the first thing that was on telly was actually fucking Bad Boys 2 in English with Thai subtitles – I took that as a sign that all would be well and no matter how much I miss the creature comforts of home there will always be shady films and music to get me by.  A favourite past time of mine as a youngster was to walk around listening to music on my headphones and imagine that what was happening in my life at that moment was the music video to that song.  It was kinda like those montage scenes you used to get in Baywatch where there would be some character called ‘Billy Warlock’ or some shit walking around and it would change to sepia tones and some 90’s power ballad was accompanying the scene.  I think I’m gonna do that with ‘Cruisin Down the Streets Of Siam’ from the Kickboxer soundtrack today.

Phuket si a good bit though.  Actually, it’s no, it’s a pure shiter.  I’m gonna have to fly kick  the next person that say’s ‘My Friend’, ‘Tuk Tuk’, ‘Jet Ski’ or even ‘Hello’.  I know it’s the way of life here and all that but my patience is short at the best of times. The only solace I have is that Dan West isn’t here to speak to them all individually and debate the price of an Ed Hardy cap he’s never going to buy anyway.

The sweets and food are pretty different, not like in berlin where you got a fucking white twix and not in a pure upside down way like ‘Mango Tango’, well maybe a wee bit like that as I just saw Seaweed flavour Pringles – if that’s not upside doon then I don’t know what is. 

To cut a long story short, it’s just too busy here and too full of cunts from Bolton, Germany, Russia and Glasgow.  We managed to screw up our sleeping pattern last night so that we woke up at 2am, kicked about the shanty hoose for a bit then went to the beach at about 6.45am – there were still plenty of bars open and ladyboys lining the streets as the sun was coming up, well in folks.  We spent the day on the beach before getting bored and finding a shop that sells premium spirits for hee haw – 380 BHT later we have a litre of gin.  Gonna have a wee cuddle, a nap and a cold shower then hit some pubs and clubs tonight. There is one place that has a big sign saying ‘AC/DC + Metallica tribute’ that has a Predator statue looking hard outside it.  I dare say we will be going there for a bit of patter.

Until then, I’ll blog again in a couple of days.

Craggers

I always wondered...

How much was that Doggy in the window?

Oh Boy!

A Ha! Quantum Leap is on the telly!   I used to be so into that show when I was younger, the episode that is on just now is the one where Sam leaps into the body of a chimpanzee that is going into space as a test pilot for the space programme.  Gallus stuff indeed but for some reason I’m just not that bothered by it now, in fact I’m typing this instead of being engrossed in it as I once was.  I remember writing to the BBC to get them to send me a VHS of this very episode as I had missed it while I was on holiday in Salou or somewhere equally delightful with my family.  The swine’s at the BBC weren’t very forthcoming and these were the days before DVD box sets, 10,000 channels and the internet so I had to wait a grueling 2 years for it to be officially re-run on BBC 2.

Why is that?  Have I grown out of it?  It’s a show for adults, not a kid’s show designed to keep me vegetated in my seat.  I guess your tastes just change.  I remember not liking chips, gin, yoghurt and Will Smith but now I love them all!

I suppose it’s the same with everything…people included.  That’s the worst part.   

I’ve noticed it a lot recently with everyone’s favourite whipping boy, Facebook.  You’ll get a friend request from someone that you haven’t seen for years. Someone you used to spend all your time, money, thoughts and secrets with.  Now you struggle to muster and answer to “what have you been up tae?” – Fucking hunners by the way!  But I cant bring myself to recap the last 5 years and settle for a “Just working you know?”

I guess I’m slightly depressed by all this. The only thing I don’t really get like that with is Music (cider and chicken curry).  The first album I remember loving was ‘Bad Attitude’ by Meat Loaf and if that was on right now I would be standing up on this couch revving my fake motorbike throttle with joy in my heart.  We seem to allow ourselves ‘guilty pleasures’ with music but not with people.  Thank God for that I say!  Imagine where you would be if you stuck in with the same people all the time simply because fate and geography brought you together.  Fair enough there probably will be some exceptions but certainly not where I come from.  Although the idea of searching for lager lovelies cans and setting fires up the hill with Craig MacFarlane does sound like it would still be fun!

How much change is good change?  Is music better than people? Did Dr. Sam Beckett ever make the leap home?

A Jedi knows not these things. 

Thank fuck.

Sorry Ladies

The nearest and dearest among you will already be aware but I figured with the nature of the world nowadays, online and otherwise that announcing my ‘fate’ via the Internet would be the easiest option.

My girlfriend Holly Thompson and I have eventually decided to tie the knot.   We will be getting married in Glasgow on the 9^th of January at the Hotel Du Vin.  The ceremony itself will be a real small one with family and friends then we will have a much larger party in the evening where everyone can lose their minds accordingly.

This might seem like fairly wild patter, especially coming from me but the more I thought about the idea of the more it felt like the right thing to do.  Maybe I am getting soft in my old age?  We have lived together for a couple of years now and are still as in love as we always have been.  I’ve never been really into the idea of marriage as most of you may know but I guess your priorities change when you realize you’re with the right person.

Holly was all booked and ready to go start a new life in New Zealand when I met her a few years back and she decided to take the gamble on sticking around here with me so we could leave together. So, in turn I’m taking the gamble on spending my life with her. 

We will be selling up and leaving Scotland for good on the 16^th of January to travel the world with an eye on seeing where we would like to eventually settle so figured getting married while we were here would not only make us really happy but would also make sense as our friends and family could all be there and we could leave Scotland in a much safer and secure situation.

I’ve never really had a lot of family so it makes me pretty happy to be gaining a whole new one with Holly’s; they have always been there for us so I couldn’t be prouder.

The day itself will be amazing and the perfect end to our time in Glasgow with all the amazing people we have met over the years.  I hope you share our happiness at this and hope that you will be able to join us on the day.

The invites will be out at the end of November, make sure you’re in town and have yer glad rags at the ready.

Cheers

Crag

Love heart

I have a serious soft spot for the bevvy likes.

Paul Nicholls RIP

So, she wis like ‘whit?’, an he wis like ‘whit?’ and ah wis like ‘Wur yi aye?’

Your cover star this month is a true action hero, Thee Mr Mister Paul Nicholls who sadly passed away on the 29^th of August in the Marie Curie hospice in Glasgow. 

Paul was an exceptional character that really did bring a lot of laughter, colour, style and music to the world.  On New Year’s Eve last year he was tragically and suddenly diagnosed with Bowel Cancer and given a few months to live.  In those few months he accepted his fate and chose to get on with it as best he could. 

Those few months passed and as expected, we couldn’t get rid of him that easily!  He continued to live his life to the full, DJ at clubs, was always the life of the party and believe it or not...even got himself a new boyfriend! 

Paul was a DJ, a style icon and a Party Monster.  When people would look at Paul they would expect some raving maniac, although they were right, they were always almost instantly proven wrong by how pleasant, welcoming and genuine he was. 

Everyone in Paul’s life, in Glasgow and London has a story to tell about him...usually one of his one-liners or a mental situation at some party or club.

My first experience of Paul was at the tail end of a party in my flat when no-one but us wanted to leave or deal with the bright 7am sun creeping around the side of the curtains.  I asked him where we should go and he said “I’ll be outside the school gates wi ma fanny lips over ma heed pure hopin’ that the weans love Sugar Puffs!  Where are you goin’?”  From then on his banter just got more absurd and more hilarious. 

For the next 6 years I worked with Paul on various club projects around Glasgow and found him to be the perfect DJ and club host.  He would always play for crazy long times as he was too selfish to share the decks with anyone else and too vibrant and energetic to be upstaged by anybody.  He always got the party going and attracted the most beautiful and colourful crowds every night without fail.  To this date he is the only DJ that hasn’t had the sack from Bloc, despite him ruining the venue every time by inciting riots on top of the tables and literally bringing the roof down!

It really is a tricky one, losing someone like Paul.  Realising that you will never see them again puts an air of unusual anxiety and emotion over everything for a while, then slowly you learn to live with the memories instead...and the memories can never change.

Paul left a lot of memories for a lot of people but one of his most important and hopefully most enduring legacies was his ‘Music is Disease’ blog that he updated almost daily chronicling his experiences since being diagnosed with cancer.  He tried his best to let everyone know exactly what he was going through. This not only helped his friends and family deal with what was happening but also thousands of other sufferers of illness and tragedy.  Keeping a diary seems like such a simple thing, but could you imagine having to do it when going through intense chemotherapy and dealing with the knowledge that you are dying.  To have the strength to keep that up really is truly inspirational and this gave solace and hope to so many people all over the world.

You hear about people dying all the time and to be honest it feels like we’re almost desensitised to death nowadays.  It’s only when someone with such a lust for life passes away that it all gets brought home with a bang.  Paul said in his blog that he wanted to “put the fun into funeral.  A FUN-ERAL!  I know people may think it's daft but I want to be celebrated, not mourned.  I lived life to the full and want to go out with a bang.”

I’m certain that when Paul got to wherever he is now there was much more than a bang and it will surely be pure bangin’ for a long time to come!

Death is something no one can ever know about and it probably is something different for everyone.  I like to take comfort in the unknown so don’t subscribe to any of the religions that suggest angels, fire, sexy virgins and the like.  We dictate our own lives so why not dictate our own afterlives?  When you think about someone like Paul you can only imagine the kind of afterlife he could create for himself.  What a rammy it must be, the angels won’t stand a chance of keeping up and nae chance are they getting a shot on the decks!

Goodbye Paul, you really were something special.  You will be missed.x

“Let the music flow into your body and lift your soul for it's the medicine of life.”

Paul Nicholls, April 14, 2010 – http://musicisdisease.blogspot.com